Thoughts after hiatus

I haven't written here in ages. I haven't wanted to.

I haven't felt I had anything to say, or write.  Trying to be honest and real, I feel, can't always be scheduled.

I just got back from a family vacation, the same one i've taken since I was 3 (with a few new spots visited). You'd think it would be the same song and dance this time, get off here, go here, eat here-and in some ways it was. But now that i'm older I drove through the forests and ate the food with new eyes.

My coworker asked me if I had experienced this and I said I had.

Apparently this is normal, feeling an odd sense of newness upon returning to somewhere you've been when younger, and it hit me mid-day in Romania while laying down after a long Sunday lunch:

I was sad for the past.

I felt a sadness I couldn't describe( I thought it might have been the food). A small emptiness in my stomach  for things that passed, that I can never get back. The same family vacation only missing things, and people.

It was there in that orange room that I realized what I thought my trip would be like was much different than what it was,what I was; I wasn't the same person I had been the last time I visited. The farm wasn't the same since the last time I had visited.  Time changed the familiar and altered people as it does every moment and I felt melancholy when i realized I hadn't thought this would happen.

Thinking naively that everything would be the same as it had been, like the farm was standing still until my arrival made me realize maybe I was sad of not only what had been, but of what was happening.


Coping with getting older, with things getting older.

So I decided to look with new eyes.

Not forgetting the past, but letting it's presence bring new sight to the future.  New sunsets, new rooms, new paved roads.

I wrote a little while I visited my family and hope to post my thoughts here.



I had a small moment yesterday where I thought my life was falling apart.

It was not. And it never has been as much as I feel it is. 

I was sitting on my couch thinking generously about future events and plans and I wanted to curl into a ball and just die. Right there. Nothing had even happened yet, I hadn't started the plans past thinking about them and already I wanted to stop them. I felt like that cartoon character with wide eyes fingers between chattering teeth, whoever that is.

And recently I found out i'm not the only one who does it. I think this is weird, super weird, that I (and others) read so much into potential future events that I feel nervous in the present for something that hasn't happened yet.  It's a very real feeling, overwhelming and unnerving- but also super silly.

it's the fear.

the fear of failing, of imperfection of looking like a fool.

A fear of flying which, more often than not, is how you get places.

But I came across this quote and thought, why not?

What if I fly?

What If I just tried and accepted what happened and moved on instead of dwell on what could happen  and bother worrying about nothing?

What if?


Weekend adventures


What a weekend!

Saturday was spent at the Eastern Market exploring with friends in perfect weather.  We browsed the market while eating raspberries and sticks of flavoured honey, tasting natural pesto on bread and basil-infused jam. (Basically, an organic, local Costco). We visited a neat little print shop, a vintage clothing store and a four story high rare and used bookstore. A tired day in a good way.

Here are a few shots below. More can be found on my Flickr


Back in the game

Been a while since I've posted here.
Life, you know. And also a bit of a writing rut. And blogging rut.

I've become unsure of what to write anymore or what to feature or what to talk about, mostly because I feel like I am an expert in nothing so who would want to hear from me.

But you know,

that's a pretty poor attitude. Because I follow some pretty cool blogs that don't pretend to be know-it-all blogs that speak with big authority because they don't have to, and should be expected to. They're just people who have an interest in something and like to share what they know/like.

So I decided I would do that too.

Through photos, my ultimate interest. And while i'm nowhere near perfect in this subject in any way I enjoy the satisfaction in framing/composing/creating a lasting moment in time.

That's why I keep at it.

I finally picked up a camera after X amount of time and a couple photos I shot turned out really well. It's funny how rust you can become after a long period without practice so I started off super confused with the knobs and ISO levels. Eventually it kicked in again, like riding a bike.

Here's a couple of the shots:



Spring has finally sprung in the little city!
After a surprise snow storm and tsunami-esque rainfall the flowers are showing up in full force and I am loving it this year.  Probably because the winter was so brutal.
Bring on the sun! 


A shift in perspective

In this season in my life I am learning that good things take time. That luck and good fortune is no substitute for hard work. That a substantial life isn't created through chance.

From what Ive found, it takes time, patience, commitment, self-regulation and above all: a willing spirit.

The more free time im saddled with the more i realize I have so much potential moments to do great things with my little life, but the fear of rejection or ridicule or imperfection get in the way of starting anything.

Maybe I blame the world I live in and it's instant gratification obsession for making me slightly delusional when it comes to hard work.  That somehow I've been subliminally told that if success doesn't happen instantly, it's not worth it or something I'm good at.

Or that the product is better than the process.


But pointing fingers won't make my feelings disappear.  Takes two to tango, right?

So i've been trying to switch my mindset, slowly. Rome wasn't built in a day!

I've been trying to be more aware of the process of life as a brilliant work in itself, whether it yields good fruit or bad and focus less on the finished product as what brings value.

Showing up and putting in the effort is what counts most and what should drive my everyday life not only the end result. I'm hoping to get to this place in my mind soon.

Baby steps.


The blue mat of health

If you do the plank position and feel dead after a minute, chances are you are out of shape
and if that's the case then I give you a solid high-five and say join the club! because I am too.

I'm tired of waking up feeling sore and achey from nothing, feeling like I have zero energy at this incredibly young stage in my life. Honestly, I have become a caffeinated 20 something human with a penchant for curling up fetal-position on the bed scrolling through mobile Pinterest. It has to stop!

So on a crazy whim (and possibly with a bit of divine intervention steering me towards the fitness section of stores I'd avoid like the plague) I bought a yoga mat. Now, i'm not one for meditation or chanting while I stretch but I thought if I'm going to do any kind of fitness it will be the slow, relaxing, stretching kind. On my brand new blue mat of health. 

Already after a day I feel the ache of muscles in places I'd forgotten about.
A good sign indeed.

And if memory serves me right, it takes 21 days to form a habit?

Let's do this.